Down In A Hole
by LaraWinner
Summary: DxH, songfic, Duo pov. The God of Death borders on insanity while facing his demons in the night.


DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of it's characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*

Down In A Hole

By: Lara Winner

Song: Alice In Chains

Bury me softly in this womb

I give this part of me for you

The sent of sex was heavy in the still air. Coupled by the warmth of the slight body pressed against his side, Duo stared sightlessly at the ceiling of the dark bedroom trying to let himself float in the afterglow of the moment. In Hilde's arms he was able to find release. In her body he found a sanctuary he wouldn't trade for the world. These all to short and precious moments allowed him to tap into the person he believed had long since died. But it was only a moment in time and time stood still for no one, not even death himself.

The peace that filled him was already starting to fade as the demons he harbored began to rear their ugly heads in his mind. What was left of his heart sighed in weary resignation as familiar feelings of fear and inadequacy began to well up inside of him in a maelstrom of conflicting emotions.

__

Sand rains down and here I sit

Holding rare flowers in a tomb

Turning slightly, he gathered the young woman in his arms holding her against his chest in a firm yet tender embrace. Lightly he pressed his lips against her midnight locks as his fingers made idle patterns on her bare back. Softly she sighed in her sleep and the sound tugged at his conscious. Her trust in him was obvious. Her faith in him was complete. Like everything she did, even when it came to loving him, she put her heart and soul into it. 

Perhaps it was his imagination or his experience in expecting the worst, but he swore he could feel her slipping away. Like tiny grains of sand thrown to the wind, he knew it was only a matter of time before she was torn from his life leaving him to the chaos and darkness of his existence. The knowledge terrified him but he faced it with ruthless certainty. He couldn't keep her forever locked away in the tomb he created for himself. 

__

Down in a hole,

And I don't know if I can be saved

With a reluctant sigh he released his hold on her petite form and slowly eased himself away from her, as not to wake her. Tension was building in his body, his heart pounding and his blood roaring in his veins as a nameless fear that hunted him in the darkness threatened to overwhelm him. Needing anything to aliviate the restlessness, he slipped on his boxers, grabbed the pack of cigarettes off the nightstand and padded over to the window. 

Lifting up the glass pane he settled himself on the windowsill and lifted his eyes up to the coal black sky. Without thought he lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply finding the destructive action somewhat soothing. But the suffocating fear was there, in the back of his thoughts just waiting to bury him under an avalanche of hate, rage, regret and hopelessness. And he felt like he was trapped in hole he dug himself with past actions and careless thoughts just waiting for the onslaught to choke the very life from him.

__

See my heart,

I decorate it like a grave

Unable to help it, his gaze traveled once again into the dark bedroom and softened as it landed on the angel slumbering amidst his navy blue sheets. Her face looked childlike in the sliver moonlight, a soft smile curving her soft lips as she dreamed. She was his light, his anchor in the deep turbulent sea of guilt that threatened to drown him. But she had his heart, in all it's scarred and battered glory.

The slight grin left his lips as images flashed across his brain, faces that went hand in hand with memories he harbored in his heart. Faces of the dead. One by one they forced unwanted reality into his consciousness. He was death. His world was a graveyard of murdered innocents that he had the misfortune to let into his heart and now their names and faces were branded into his black soul like the engravings on a tombstone.

__

You don't understand 

Who they thought I was supposed to be

Duo turned away from his light and instead turned to face that darkness that welcomed him. Taking another drag of his cigarette he exhaled the smoke slowly looking down at the dark alley below their apartment window. From two stories up he could see various homeless people huddled in doorways. It struck a chord as he remembered not so very long ago when he was in their shoes, searching for and stealing the very necesities he'd needed to stay alive. But even then he'd had Solo to watch his back. 

And later when he'd found a home it had been in the most unlikely of places, a church. A bitter chuckle escaped his lips. The seed of evil should never have been kept in such a holy place and Father Maxwell and Sister Helen paid the ultimate price. Duo squeezed his eyes shut tightly against tears that wanted to come. They had such expectations for him. They had wanted him to live a life that would follow the morals they tried to teach him. Instead he lost both of them to the darkness he breeded inside. 

And Hilde could never understand why that past ceased to let him go. She tried, he had to love for that, but she didn't know the dreams he'd had. He wanted to live up to their expectations, to be the one to allow their memory to live on. And he failed. He disgraced them by becoming a murderer. 

What would become of Hilde now? She was here, giving him a reason and a purpose to carry on. How long till she became another victim?

__

Look at me now,

A man who won't let himself be

If she died…

Duo couldn't continue the thought. The demons inside were laughing now, their voices echoing over the pounding of his heart. They laughed at his fear, mocking him for thinking he had any control over their influence. But they were of his making, born of his masochistic desire to live with his bloody sins. He could never forgive himself for becoming the God of Death. 

Anger, hot and uncontrollable, flooded his senses as he crushed the lit cigarette his fist. The pain barely registered over the sick revulsion that threatened to bring him to his knees. Abruptly he rose to his feet and in the glass he saw his reflection mirrored by the streetlight. Haunted eyes stared back at him. Wide, fear filled eyes that took up most of his pale drawn face. Lightly he traced the image of his reflection not even realizing the crushed cigarette had fallen from his slack grip.

__

Down in a hole, losin' my soul

Down in a hole, losin' control

I'd like to fly

But my wings have been so denied

Duo could feel it closing in on him. All the self-hatred was right there bearing down as a great weight on his shoulders. His composure was gone. The Joker face he used to protect himself was lost amidst the harsh scrutiny of his own mind. He was out of control, helpless as his demons set to rip him apart inside out.

Inside his head a soft, snide voice chuckled. The window was open. He should jump, it whispered, put an end to this sick joke he called a life. What was there to lose? Death was calling, pulling his strings like a puppetere, making the thought seem so inviting. But he could not tear his eyes away from the horrified face that stared back at him. There was so much pain there. So much longing for silence and endless darkness. Yet he could not move. He was rooted to the spot listening to the voice of reason and voice madness fight for the control of his fragile mind.

__

Down in a hole,

And they've put all the stones in their place

The weight of inner torment was bearing down on him. He was falling deeper and deeper into his hole, the light of reason becoming almost too dim to be seen. Duo struggled and floundered for anything to quiet the battle in his mind. He didn't want to die. He wanted to take this chance to rectify his mistakes and make up for all the pain and death he had caused. But he knew there was nothing he could do here. He was in to deep, the monsters that plagued him were too strong to be quieted by a change of heart. 

He was sinking in his own despair. Guilt, like heavy stones, kept pulling him down filling the hole of his mind and burying him alive in a grave of his own making.

__

I've eaten the sun 

So my tongue has been burned of the taste

It was only the rustling of sheets and a soft, dreamy sigh that managed to break through his demented thoughts and bring reason crashing back into control. 

"Hilde…"

At his hoarse whisper the voices abruptly fell silent. Duo blinked, then slowly lowered his gaze from the vision of hell he could see in the reflection of his own eyes. The copper taste of blood made his stomach turn as he ran his tongue over the freshly bitten skin of his lower lip. His hand trembled as he pressed it to his mouth, fighting back the bile that rose in the back of his throat. With unsteady steps he backed away from the window.

__

I have been guilty of kicking

Myself in the teeth

What had he almost done?

The question screamed at him, burning its way thought the eddy of his thoughts, forcing him to the awareness of how dangerously close he was to loosing his grip on sanity. He had been so close. It was so tempting to just free fall and answer the summons of the darkness. 

Would it hurt? Maybe for a few seconds at the most, he estimated morbidly. And after he was dead, would he be able to look at his body and watch the blood oze from every orifice? Would he crack open his thick skull and splatter his brains all over the pavement? Would the voices still be laughing or would they die with him and let him be?

There was only one way to find out and he wasn't going to take that last resort yet. He was stronger than that. He would fight his emotions. He would keep the battle locked inside. For now there was no other choice. 

__

I will speak no more

Of my feelings beneath

Boneless, Duo sank down on the edge of the bed letting his head fall in his hands. Bracing his elbows on his knees he dragged in a deep breath trying to calm his pounding heart. With closed eyes he concentrated on clearing his mind of all thought. Then he nearly jumped out of his skin as a delicate hand placed itself lightly against his bare back.

"You ok?" Hilde asked softly.

Duo could only nod as small arms wrapped around his waist from behind and soft lips pressed a light kiss on his shoulder. Her sleep-drugged tone tugged at his heart and once again he felt a warm light begin to break through the darkness that had nearly closed in on him.

__

Oh I want to be inside of you…

"Are you coming back to bed?"

Meeting Hilde's questioning blue eyes Duo smiled slightly, not letting himself think of the nightmares he was bound to face. "Yeah."

Lying beside her once again, he pulled her close all the while trying to convince himself that everything would be alright. Breathing in the sent of her skin he felt himself calm. She was here and he would worry about tomorrow later. Right now he couldn't feel guilty or afraid. She was next to him, lying in his arms. He had to enjoy the moment because even he knew it wouldn't last forever.

__

Down in a hole, losin' my soul

Down in a hole, feelin' so small

Down in a hole, losin' my soul

Down in a hole, out of control

Once again the darkness fell silent with only the sound Hilde's soft even breathing to keep Duo company. Looking over to the open window, a shudder ran down his spine. It was inevitable. One of them would fall prey to his demons. May the gods have mercy and take him instead…

__

I'd like to fly

But my wings have been so denied…

A.N.- *Glares at muse* Sorry about that but Chlorine was at it again. Thanks for reading and a big hug to all my readers. I love you guys!!!


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